Women Who Over-Serve: A Contagion of Inauthenticity
Free Resource Link: https://westofwisdom.blog
In this episode, I introduce you to Louise Sutherland-Hoyt.
Louise is a seasoned therapist, Vietnam veteran, elder-in-training, fire-walker, peak-bagger, and devoted mother, grandmother, wife, and partner.
Grounded in decades of clinical work and inspired by the ancient philosophy of the Stoics, Louise lives and teaches this truth: We may not control what has happened, but we are responsible for how we meet it. Her work—through therapy, writing, and community—helps others respond to life’s deepest wounds with integrity, tenderness, and courage.
Louise speaks especially to the quiet suffering many women carry, born from a contagion of inauthenticity, a state that continues to plague generations of women, urging them to abandon their inner truth in order to feel connected Rather than rushing to fix, she invites reverence—to abide with pain, listen deeply, and keep company with what cannot be undone.
Today she speaks about:
Her personal Journey and Vietnam Service (2:24)
The Concept of Healing and Soul Tending (5:01)
Over Serving and Inauthenticity (7:20)
Misconceptions in Healing and Coping Strategies (11:26)
The Importance of Authenticity and Vulnerability (17:51)
Enabling and Co-Dependency (20:50)
Historical Trauma and Numbing Reality (24:48)
Walking as a Therapeutic Practice (26:43)
Join me for this episode of Mommy Heal Thyself to learn more about healing soul injuries.
Transcript
(Note, this was transcribed using a transcription software and may not reflect the exact words used in the podcast)
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 0:15
Welcome everyone to another episode of mommy heal thyself today, I have the pleasure of introducing you to Louise Sutherland point, seasoned therapist, Vietnam veteran, elder in training, fire Walker, peak bagger and devoted mother, grandmother, wife and partner, whoo, I tell you, I don't know how she has been able to accomplish all of these things. You know, grounded in decades of clinical work and inspired by the ancient philosophy of the Stoics, Louise lives and teaches the truth. We may not control what has happened, but we are responsible for how we meet it her work through therapy, writing, community helps others to respond to life's deepest wounds with integrity, tenderness and courage. Luis speaks especially to the quite suffering of women, the suffering that women carry born from a contagion of inauthenticity, a state that continues to play generations of women urging them to abandon their inner truth in order to feel connected rather than rushing to fix, she invites reverence to abide with pain, listen deeply and keep company with what cannot be undone. My dear Louise, welcome, welcome.
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 2:00
Thank you. Thank you so much. What a great introduction.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 2:05
I it is just my honor to be with you here in this space and time. You know, a big part of why we created this podcast to begin with was to help women to enter into that sacred space to be able to heal themselves. And I think that's why that you do resonates so deeply with me. You know, the fact that it is imperative for us to create space and not rush through the experience of living. So if you can tell us a little bit more about how this journey began and and what was your experience being engaged in Vietnam.
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 2:57
Well, I want to clarify one thing, Michelle, and that is, I served during the Vietnam War. I was not deployed. There were plenty of women who were I worked in the aviation school at Fort Rucker and trained pilots who were bound for Vietnam in how to fly by instruments. And later I was an air traffic control tower operator, until my discharge from the army, honorably in 1974 it was I was driven to join the army after high school, mainly because I was inspired by all of the aircraft and aviation activity that was going around, going on around my hometown. I fell in love with it, and decided, you know, I need to do that. And I did
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 3:56
well. I want to say that I'm here to honor you. Because, to me, just the same way in which our military wives create that support network for our men who go overseas and are deployed are in combat, the same is true for those components of our military that are not necessarily deployed in combat, but it's just like when we look at and a lot of times we give a lot of credit to the actors, but we don't take into consideration all the people that are working backstage, without whom there would be no production. And so I in no way am going to be party of undervaluing the contribution that you made. I know you want to be humble, but that is not. I am not going to allow you to be humble. I want to say thank you and thank you and thank you. Well,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 4:57
thank you, Michelle, for saying we all pray for peace.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 5:01
Exactly, exactly, and that's why your work is so critical, because especially as we go through this crazy time at this point, you know, in in our journey as human beings, I think it is so critical for us to recognize the damage that can be done, and, more importantly, what needs to be and hopefully prevent reoccurrences, although with the insanity of our world, I don't think we're going to avoid certain things, so That's why it's so imperative that we learn from you in order to prepare for the healing that we know is going to come. So tell us. Tell me a little bit more about how you entered into this space of healing,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 5:58
of healing. You know, I the word healing is, is is nice, and it implies like there's an end game somewhere. It's ongoing. And so the way I have begun, the way I couch my work is I do it with tending. Tending being a verb, action involved working for the body, the mind, the soul, especially the heart and a good sense of fullness in our present moment. So my work, I call soul tending, and it's, you know, can just just picture a mom tending to her infant in a way that is loving and full and rich.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 7:08
So talk to me a little bit more about the concept of over serving and how that leads to in office, in authenticity.
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 7:20
Well, you know, over serving you normally connect with like serving too much booze in the bar. And I'm, you know, people are over serving. But you know that comes from a lot of different factors. But women, you know, when we apply this to women, myself, especially included, we serve, and we serve to the point where other people's needs, other people's peace, other people's concerns and happiness, we take on as one of The heaviest burdens we could ever possibly carry and so over serving is, you know, overextending ourselves, believing that the unchangeable is changeable, that we have some sort of unconscious special sauce that will take care of everything, and everything good, and everything will be fine, and as long as we think happy thoughts, everything's going to be and, you know, over serving leads to this, what I have coined as a contagion of inauthenticity. So when women over serve, what happens is that, and we learn this from a very, very young age, early childhood. We learn that in order to make ourselves in this world. And this was most certainly true for me. My mom said, would say, you know, boys aren't going to be interested in you if you dress like that, or if you talk like that, or if you have that tone of voice, that attitude, will get you nowhere. So, you know, the people pleasing began the mask, the the masquerade, the costumes, and guess what? You know, I myself got disarmed, exiled, and I wasn't even aware this was going on. This happens to so many women that I've worked with that they just say, you know, I I give and I give and I give, and what do I get? Everybody has a piece of me, except me,
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 9:58
you know, you remind me of one of one of the limiting beliefs that I share with people when I work with them, which is that we have been taught that it is better to give than to receive. And what I share with women and others is that that may be true, but it is best to give and receive. And as you said, it's, it's, it's a very challenging reframing for most of us. I remember throughout my life, even throughout my adult life, my mom would always say to me, Michelle, you know, it's just a lot of women to have to go through it. That's just the cross we have to bear. Like,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 10:50
why does that go
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 10:51
around bearing someone else's cross? You know? Jeez,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 10:55
go figure. Yeah, same here.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 10:59
Ah, so what do you find is the biggest misconception or error that we make as people, in general and specifically as women, when it comes to how we perceive, as you said, the tending that needs to be done
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 11:22
well, you know, Michelle to let's give credit where credit is due, and that is to the valiant efforts women make to just be well, to serve in balance and to their limitations. But what happens is, in these efforts that are very well intended often are self defeating. So I gathered a few a list of the few common problems and patterns that I see in my work, the one of the first ones is we overthink. We rely, we hoard almost self help books, and we connect with gurus, and we think that venting our anger in our sorrows and our grief works, and we intellectualize, we pursue insight instead of embodiment. We believe there's some sort of end game to healing, that it's getting better as some kind of linear process, that there's a goal at the end and light goes on. But you know these things well? You know, we're just never going to be able to talk ourselves or read ourselves out of our histories, in our damaging narrative. You know, there's this notion of, I call it misuse of coping strategies, and I'll say right here and now, coping is not a strategy. Coping is like when you're if you're a gardener, it's like pulling weeds off at the surface of the dirt and not getting to the root of the the matter. It's what I, you know, I adopt this from the top step program. It's a short term solution for a long term transformation. So coping is good in the moment, and it's okay, it's a safety net, and it doesn't move us ahead. So misuse of coping strategies, toxic positivity like that's like being a Pollyanna, denying authentic pain so that we can appear all sweet and smiles and good and energetic and there with the solution on your hero and I'm here for you.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 14:25
So, you know, it's, it's so critical what you're saying in terms of realizing that this is a journey. It's not a one and done, it's not a quickie, you know? It's not like, Okay, I do this and it's over. But rather that healing is a journey. It's a process. That's, I tell people, the only time you stop healing is when you're dead, which is literally true, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, you know. But somehow, as you said, in our culture, we have this microwave mentality of, oh, let's just get it done right. And then the same thing is true when we're looking even with our verbiage of saying coping mechanisms and and that is taught over and over when you look at all of these various quote, unquote, psychological therapeutic interventions, they talk about helping people with coping strategies. And I love the fact that you're you're calling it out, like, wait a minute, that's just take, you know, pulling the weed and not getting to the root. And so basically, when you just pull the weed from the top, it's going to grow back. Why not just take the time to dig into the soil and pull out the entire thing. So I love that you're you're mentioning that well,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 15:50
you know, I love in my work, and I love to share with my patients. You know, I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, because our job is to get to the bottom, yeah, of what is driving your tendency to over serve, let's get to the bottom of it, and that's going to require a lot, a lot of footwork. It takes
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 16:21
time. Gonna require, it's gonna require getting dirty, you know, all clean and just yank a little thing you gotta go dig down. And I guess that's what it is that we we've been taught that we shouldn't get dirty, oh, that we shouldn't get down to the nitty gritty, the stuff that doesn't look pretty, the stuff that doesn't that you can't put up in your Instagram photos, you know, and that's that inauthenticity that you're talking about, that that that pain is there, that hurt is there, that disconnect is there, and it's only when we have the courage and the time, and we take the time to face that, that we can truly get in there and do the work
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 17:10
exactly. Gotta get a little dirt underneath those fingernails.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 17:19
So what are some things that you have found have been beneficial to helping people to make that shift in paradigm and to actually be successful in getting the work done?
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 17:40
Great question. And you know, it's a question that has existed implicitly or explicitly for 1000s of years. Women have been over servers for that long, and there are some notables, but you know, the one, the one thing, and you know this is common when we talk about the 12 step program, is to recognize where you are in the continuum of this contagion of inauthenticity. How, how much have you been sucked in? And how serious? How much is the pain actually worth it to set aside your self, those pieces of you that make you who you are, in order to comply with what our culture says. You know, as you say, in these times of stress throughout our culture, throughout our country, you know, it's pretty hard to be genuine in a world that is coming at you from 360 degrees around. It's like a circular firing squad. How does one mind their own personal strengths, virtue and attributes when there is chaos all around so recognize that we are in it where I I'm going to, like, put my neck out there and say, I don't know if there's any of us who are not in the midst of inauthenticity. We fear vulnerability, we don't want to show our soft underside. We avoid emotional pain. We We are like a shrink to fit culture. There's this feedback loop of this connection loneliness being alienated from a sense of belonging. That's, you know, that's one of the major things that my patients who are coming before, and a lot of them are like our age, my age boomers, who are saying, Why do I feel so alone and alienated and isolated. So how do we how do we get started? You know, commit being authentic and again, not just coping, but living from your genuine self prosperity. Go ahead,
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 20:50
one of the things that I read in one of your works that is, is one of the little secrets that sometimes we don't want to take ownership of, and that is that part of our desire to over serve is also tied up in actually enabling the people around us and creating a situation where we're promoting co dependency, which is not beneficial for either parties. You know? It reminded me of many years ago, I was my children and my son, the eldest son, he's very quick, mathematically, you know, he can just do things in his head. And I caught him doing his sister's work, and I said, Boy, what are you doing? Are you trying to tell me that your sister is stupid? Do you think your sister is stupid? And he said, No, Mom, No, Mom, what are you talking about? I was like, when you do your sister's work, what you're saying to me and to her and to everyone else is that you think that she is stupid and she can't do it for herself, and so that's why you have to do it for her. And I think that sometimes as women, we are so caught up in in trying to do for others, that we don't realize that we are actually enabling them and preventing them from being able to grow and expand and become all that they can be,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 22:44
you know, this enabling, you know, and coming back to the term of over serving, you know, bartenders, over serving is enabling and and you know, when we do that, we stand In the way of whoever it is that we're enabling. We step in the way of their personal growth, their ability to experience the pain, the and the consequences of their behaviors, so that they can learn and grow. Experience pain, be with it and learn from it. We are putting truth over perfection. When we do this, we put presence over performance to engage in this tending of our souls, and we do connection over compliance. Does that make sense?
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 23:54
Absolutely, absolutely it does. It is, it is so important for us to make that distinction and to recognize that there's so many ways in which we choose in authenticity, because it's inconvenient, because it means that we may upset someone, and sometimes it's the, it's the easy way out. You know, it doesn't require any kind of confrontation. Yeah,
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 24:34
absolutely. Something has got to give somewhere, and it will and and will go into the light for a while. And that's that's a beautiful thing. But, you know, as a culture and individually, the thing to remember is that so much of what drives over serving is a history. And I've really got to get this plug in there that history of exposure to highly aversive childhood experiences, including physical, emotional and sexual abuse that is the bane of our culture these days, and the out wash comes to me and other therapists in the form of a high a very wounded soul, and it's such a sad but you know What, those of us who who have experienced these traumas, we're the ones that put the face up on it. We put the smile on we put the do good. I was a high overachiever. I, you know, was a certificate, certificate junkie, diploma junkie. I know you get that yes, and we, you know, and in doing, putting all of this energy into our serving is what we're doing is we're numbing our reality, and we are not tending to the root to our souls when we speak to ignore our truth,
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 26:29
speaking truth to power absolutely so. In closing, is there anything we have not touched upon that you think is essential for our community to know.
Louise Sutherland-Hoyt 26:47
Okay, great question. Well, here's a freebie, alright, and it's called Walking. Walking, I have found is more therapeutic than just about anything out there. And you know, just 15 minutes a day to walk, breathe in fresh air, surround yourself with the energy and beauty of our nature, mountains, shores, even our sidewalks and the planets that grow in the planters connect with that 15 minutes a day is politics. Invest yourself there first. Be hungry.
Dr. Michelle Gamble / Sankofa Healing 27:29
I love that you say that because I keep on expressing to people that you know the the journey of healing is not as complex and as difficult and as expensive and and wacky as people make it seem, you know it is the simplest things that can do the most for our heart, our bodies, our minds and our spirit, and I love that you Bring forth the simplicity of walking and the absolute powerful way in which it can help you to reintegrate all those different aspects of your being in simply putting one foot in front of the other over and over again, exactly One step at a time. Thank you so very much Lise for being able to share this powerful message with us and ladies, until next time. Peace and blessings.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
